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My home life growing up was quite dysfunctional; I am the youngest of four, and knew from an early age that my mother never planned for a daughter.
This guest post is from a woman I know who is courageously sharing her story about childhood sexual abuse so that others can find hope, freedom and healing.
My parents were both quite emotionally disconnected from me and looking back, I now see my emotional neediness even as a young child.
My mother was a very heavy drinker and on medication for depression for years. She often threatened to leave when us kids got on her nerves.
My father was explosively angry and prone to rage, and I rarely if ever felt his approval. I was over 30 years old before I heard him say that he loved me.sexual abuse story
NO BOUNDARIES
In addition to all this, there was a complete lack of boundaries in my home. Pornography was prevalent to the point that once my brothers were older, my mother would buy ‘all the men’ a Playboy calendar every year for their Christmas stocking. Crude jokes abounded, and I knew and experienced things at a very young age that I should not have.
It is no surprise, given this environment, that there were innumerable incidents of boundaries being crossed and people acting out inappropriately, to the point of outright sexual abuse. Thankfully the abuse was sporadic and over a relatively short time period – but along with everything else, it was pivotal.
MEETING GOD AT SUMMER CAMP
Despite all the above, my mother believed that knowing about God was important. She sent us all off to Sunday school regularly, and to summer camp at least once.
The summer when I was 9 years old the only camp that she could find to send me to was an Alliance camp, so off I went. I accepted Jesus into my heart at that camp, but I didn’t dare tell anyone. As much as my mom wanted us to learn about God, my parents were NOT okay with any of that ‘born-again’ stuff.
About four years later a friend invited me to a Pentecostal camp, and I really encountered God there. A year or two after that I finally got up enough nerve to start going to the Pentecostal church, but my parents were pretty convinced that I was in a cult. They were so opposed to me getting baptized that I waited until after I had left home to take that step of public declaration.
THE LOSS OF A MOM
My mom had an aneurysm in her brain when I was 14. After spending six months in hospital she returned home but was brain damaged, and although her recovery was quite remarkable in a lot of ways, she ceased functioning emotionally as a wife and mother.
My dad didn’t handle mom’s health issues very well, and their marriage basically disintegrated to one that was in name only. Mom’s drinking escalated to significant proportions, and over this time period she had some serious medical issues, which culminated in her death when I was 19.
About ten months before Mom died, I moved to a small city about 45 minutes from home to take a course at a college, and started attending the local Pentecostal church. Little did I know the pivotal events that would soon transpire.
SEXUAL PREDATOR IN SHEEP’S CLOTHING
There was someone else new in town and to the church – a 35-year-old divorced former pastor who played the guitar and had an amazing voice. The church was very excited to have someone with his talents around. He was handed the high-teen Sunday school class. Over the next 18 months I was groomed and ultimately molested by this charming wolf in shepherd’s clothing.
He could’ve had any woman he wanted, but he was more interested in developing a friendship with me – a naïve 19-year-old girl with a huge, neon ‘needy’ sign on my forehead. I just wanted someone to love me and to make me feel worth something. I was a very easy target.
Two people that I know of complained to the pastor about this man’s behaviour specifically related to me. However, nothing was said or done. He abruptly moved away. I eventually came to refer to this experience as me having been in ‘an inappropriate relationship with a man 17 years older than me’.
I carried a measure of shame and embarrassment over this for 25 years.
Please go to revwords for the rest of this great story of how she recovered and was healed of the effects of child sexual abuse.
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Former church youth leader charged with sexual assault
Warning: This story contains details some may find disturbing
CBC News ·
Posted: Nov 08, 2022 6:28 PM AT |
Jan Vanderzwaag speaks with CBC News in January during an unrelated interview.
He has pleaded not guilty and elected trial by judge and jury. (CBC)
A former youth leader with a P.E.I. church is facing historical sexual assault charges involving three boys.
Jan Vanderzwaag, 43, was officially charged in May. The case was in Supreme Court in Charlottetown on Tuesday. Vanderzwaag, who also goes by John, did not appear. He has pleaded not guilty to two charges of sexual assault and one of sexual interference.
CBC News spoke with two of the boys, who are brothers. They are now adults and their names are protected by a publication ban. They say they were molested by Vanderzwaag in 2001. They say they met him through the Christian Reform Church when he was a leader of a group there.
One of them says he was 14 years old when he was assaulted by Vanderzwaag after they were invited to a movie night and sleepover.
"I proceeded to watch him sexually abuse my little brother and it got to a point where I just couldn't take it anymore and I coughed to get his attention to get him to come back to me and he started to abuse me again."
He said the experience has haunted his family and after all these years it feels good to come forward.
After he made the complaint with RCMP, it was two years before charges were laid. He said it can be harder for men to be believed, but he's determined to be heard.
He said he plans to seek damages through a civil case, as well.
"Unless this abuse stops, unless there is an acknowledgment that this happened to me, my brothers, to my family. I'm not going to stop until I see justice."
The church is not named in the case, but said in an email:
"The alleged abuse did not take place at our church, or during a church activity. The accused attended our church but was not in a leadership position. The accused has not attended our church for over 15 years. The RCMP has been investigating this matter already for some time and the church has and continues to fully co-operate. Our church was never under investigation."
Vanderzwaag could not be reached for comment. He has elected trial by judge and jury.
Lawyers will be back in court in January, after which a trial date is expected to be set.
None of the allegations have been proven in court.
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