Great Resources For Domestic Abuse Survivors

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Safe Moves: Tips For Domestic Abuse Survivors

Guest article by Nora Hood

http://threedaily.org/

Photo via Pixabay

Every day in America, millions of people suffer in abusive relationships within their own homes. Both men and women battle physical, mental, and emotional abuse, some with violent outcomes, and many of them have children who are caught in the middle. What’s worse is that children are also oftentimes victims of sexual or other physical abuse, making it even more critical for parents to remove themselves and their little ones out of harm’s way.

If you are in an abusive situation, it’s important to know that you are not alone and that while taking steps to get away safely may be scary at first, it will ultimately help you start a new life in which you are in control. Having a plan in place is essential, of course. If you are worried about your partner becoming violent with you or your children upon learning that you want to leave, it’s important to keep your decision to yourself until the very last minute. Pinpoint one person you know you can trust who can help you pack and remove your belongings from the home quickly and safely.

Keep reading for more tips on how to stay safe when leaving an abusive situation from

Northwoods Save a Child.

Create a plan

Starting with a detailed plan is essential. Before you start looking for a place to live, you need to figure out how you will get away safely, especially if you have kids. Figure out the logistics of leaving: how long will it take to get your belongings out of the home? What will you do if your partner discovers that you’re leaving? How much money will you need in the first week and month? Think about the details so you can create a backup plan just in case.

Talk to your children

If you have children, it’s imperative that you talk to them about the plan ahead of time, as long as they are old enough to understand. Formulate a plan of action and go over it several times to make sure everyone is on the same page. Do they know where to go after school on the day you’re leaving? Who will pick them up? If they’ll be with you, what will they do if an argument between you and your partner escalates? It can be difficult to talk about these things with little ones, but making sure they know how to react is essential.

Look for a place to go

If you have the means to buy or rent a home, you’ll need to begin the process of looking for the best place weeks or months in advance. Know how much you have for your rental or purchase budget, then consider factors like a property’s price, location, size, and proximity to your loved ones and child’s school. If you’re worried about your partner following you or finding out where you live, look for a place that has a clear entry/exit and isn’t isolated. Having neighbors close by is also a good thing.

Know your rights

Survivors of domestic abuse have certain rights that vary from state to state, including those regarding custody of children, workplace environments, and housing. Do some research online to get familiar with the laws in your area, and if possible, document the abuse you’ve suffered. Talk to a counselor or therapist who can back you up in court if necessary. Not only will this help should legal issues arise, it will also help your state of mind to be able to talk to someone about everything you’ve been through.

Getting safely away from an abuser is never easy; it takes an inner strength and courage that many people don’t even think they have. The important thing to remember is that you are strong, and that taking these steps now will help you create a better life for you and your family.

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Here are some more resources from Nora that you might find very helpful:

15 Signs Of Domestic Violence That Aren’t Physical

https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/2017/10/173685/types-of-abuse-in-a-relationship

How to Exit an Abusive Relationship Safely

https://www.verywellmind.com/making-a-safety-plan-to-escape-abusive-relationship-5069959

Homebuying Guide For Victims Of Domestic Violence

https://www.mortgagecalculator.org/helpful-advice/domestic-violence-victims.php

Domestic Violence and PTSD

https://blackbearrehab.com/mental-health/ptsd/domestic-violence-and-ptsd/

How to Heal From Emotional Abuse in Relationships: Therapist Approved Strategies

https://mindwellnyc.com/how-to-heal-from-emotional-abuse-in-relationships/

Helping Children Cope After a Traumatic Event

https://childmind.org/guide/helping-children-cope-traumatic-event/

Thank you,

Nora Hood

Threedaily.org

nora@threedaily.org

Step Inside the Circle

This brief video reveals the level of evil that many prisoners endured in their childhood, from physical, sexual, emotional abuse. They grew up thinking there was something wrong with them and that just the way it was.

Despite many years in prison, few have received the psychological help they need to overcome the childhood trauma. Compassion Prison Project means to address that. Please watch!

video 6:30

compassionprisonproject.org/donate

Two Dreadful Stories of Child Abuse from Russia

These stories are not easy to read and should be avoided

by PTSD vulnerable people

Russia stunned by story of 7-year-old girl

‘tortured’ for months by aunt

Even doctors couldn’t hold back tears after a seven-year-old girl with countless bruises, burns and bites all over her body, was delivered to them. The child had been allegedly tortured for months by her own aunt.

video 0:59

Footage from a medical examination at a hospital in the southern Republic of Ingushetia has shocked Russia after being uploaded online earlier this week. “This is a phlycten [internal abscess]; look, this is a bite and those are scars – old and new ones. This hand is cold, it could be amputated,” one of the doctors says in the clip. “It’s like a horror movie,” his colleague added off-screen, commenting on the terrible state of their young patient.

Aisha was brought to hospital by her aunt, who claimed that the child was injured after falling into a cesspit a week before that. She also explained that the girl had also sustained burns earlier on, from accidentally sitting on a hot pot cooking soup.

The woman only sought medical help after it became clear that her niece Aisha couldn’t move her arms on her own anymore. The improvised bandages she’d put on the child’s hands only worsened her condition, causing vascular occlusion and putting the child’s left hand at risk of amputation. The girl was swiftly sent for surgery after further tests showed that her left arm was broken and gangrene had developed in the right one.

Police didn’t believe the aunt’s explanations and detained her on suspicion of causing grievous bodily harm to a minor. The 35-year-old denied any wrongdoing, insisting that it was all an accident. The court later ruled that she be placed in custody for two months, pending an investigation. Her own two sons, who didn’t manifest any signs of abuse, were also taken into protective custody.

The gruesome details of what is, on the face of it, child abuse, have shocked not only the urban residence and the town the family lived in, but also the whole country.

The media discovered that the woman had already served time for causing grievous bodily harm in the past. She was also raising her niece Aisha without any of the proper paperwork. The girl’s father had been granted custody over the child after a divorce, but had left her with his sister while he traveled for work.

Questions are now being asked how child welfare services could have missed the case. Neighbors told RT that they never heard any screams or other alarming noises coming from the house of Aisha’s aunt. Many added that they never knew a girl was living there, as they’d only seen the boys outside.

The surgery on Aisha went on for three hours and doctors remained hopeful that they could save her arm. Local bloggers who visited her in her ward, said that the girl was feeling happy at the hospital despite her poor state. She clearly wasn’t used to being cared-about, as doctors and nurses brought her chocolate and ice cream.

Ingushetia’s child ombudswoman, Zarema Chakhieva, described Aisha as “the kindest child,” who tries to answer positively to all questions. Chakhieva told RT that the girl sometimes remembers the torture, but also says that she still loves her aunt.

On Friday, the girl was flown to Moscow to the clinic of Russia’s top child surgeon, Leonid Roshal. There, a detailed check revealed traces of old rib fractures and injuries to the spine, but Roshal said that Aisha wouldn’t require any new operations.

Russia’s human rights ombudswoman, Tatyana Moskalkova, has called what happened to Aisha a “flagrant” case of domestic violence and vowed to closely monitor the girl’s case. She also urged to introduce a federal law tackling abuse in the family.

Young boy wounded protecting mom from drunken ex-con dies not knowing she abandoned him

Ivan Krapivin © VK.com Группа памяти Крапивина Ивана

Heroic teenager, Ivan Krapivin, who received horrific head wounds in an attempt to protect his mom from a drunken neighbor, has died in hospital after over a year in a coma. He never learned that his mother gave up on him.

Ivan’s story has touched the hearts of many across Russia after being aired on state TV. Numerous people raised money and offered their assistance to facilitate the boy’s recovery, but the miracle everybody hoped for was not to happen.

“Ivan departed into a better world today. It’s impossible to accept this or be ready for this,” the sad message, which appeared in a social media group dedicated to the teen on Tuesday, read.

The boy from the northern city of Severodvinsk has been fighting for his life since May last year when a drunken party, involving his mother and her shared apartment neighbor, ended in a tragedy. There was a quarrel and the former convict attacked the woman with a dumbbell and a knife, delivering her several stab wounds.

14-year-old Ivan rushed to his mom’s rescue without any hesitation, but he was no match for the grown man, who already served time for murder. The brave boy collapsed after receiving three heavy blows to his head with a dumbbell.

Ivan was taken to hospital in regional capital Archangelsk and then transferred to Saint Petersburg. The young hero underwent several surgeries and miraculously survived, but the damaged done to his health was immense. The teen was missing the front of his skull; had part of his brain removed, while one of his eyes was dented.

The police detained the attacker and he went to trial on charges of attempted murder of two people. The judges sentenced him to 14.5 years in prison and ordered to pay a compensation of 1 million rubles (around $15,000) to his victims.

Ivan’s story was already heartbreaking, but it somehow got even worse. Several months later, the media revealed that the teen’s mother, who recovered from her wounds, has given up on her son and never visited him in hospital.

She was eventually deprived of her parental rights, while the custody over Ivan was given to his older brother.

The woman later appeared on a prime-time talk show on Rossiya 1 and asked the audience to forgive her. She confessed to having problems with alcohol and said she was ready to go to rehab.

Despite Ivan’s death, Russia’s Investigative Committee said that it’ll continue its probe into the incident so that all those responsible face punishment. The investigations have some serious questions for child services, district police, and corrections officers, who somehow allowed a woman with an underage child to live under the same roof with a former convict. The family was housed in a shared apartment after their shabby home was demolished as part of a renovation program. 

If only parents and caregivers were half as heroic as children...

Child Abuse in Scottish Care Home was "Vastly Underestimated"

 Former government chief social work adviser Angus Skinner speaks to inquiry

Stephen Naysmith

CHILD sex abuse in Scotland’s care homes has been “drastically” underestimated, a leading social worker told an inquiry, as police were criticised for failures in investigating allegations.

Appearing at the Scottish Child Abuse Inquiry in Edinburgh, Professor Angus Skinner, former chief social work adviser to the Scottish Executive and Scotland's former chief social work inspector, said too little was done about abuse because "we just didn't believe there could be so much."

He said he had been aware of physical, sexual and emotional abuse of children in care, but in the context of dismal standards of accommodation and practise.

"The furniture was dreadful, windows were smashed and left for months. In that context I was also aware of abuse but I vastly underestimated how much there was. I absolutely hold my hands up to that," Professor Skinner said.

"I don’t think I was alone in underestimating the extent of abuse and in particular the evil and the extent of the duplicitous cover up," he added.

While he had attempted to do what he could, his view had been that rates of child abuse could not be addressed without addressing the overall standard of care, he told the inquiry.

He said a lack of training and a workforce which was demoralised and undervalued contributed to the problem. It was common to visit children's homes and find workers in the staff room rather than interacting with young residents, he claimed.

Without a motivated workforce, children lacked confidence that complaints of abuse would be addressed.

He said his concerns grew from the date of his appointment in 1991. "By 1992 or 1993 I thought there was a very serious problem and we needed to take some kind of different action."

Although changes were eventually made, Professor Skinner said, they were limited. "I did try to address the quality of care and the issue of abuse. I didn't do as much as I should have and I need to live with that," he said.

His evidence to the inquiry came after its chair Lady Smith had taken further statements from the Congregation of the Sisters of the Good Shepherd, following the conviction of 70 year old Brian Dailey in July this year.

A few days after the conviction, Sister Rosemary Keen told the inquiry that the sisters had no knowledge of any abuse which had taken place at any of its institutions.

At the time, Lady Smith expressed astonishment, as some of the most serious abuse for which Dailey was convicted took place at Ladymary School in Colinton while it was run by the order.

However David Anderson, lawyer for the Good Shepherd Sisters yesterday insisted Sister Keen had not misled the inquiry.

For Police Scotland, Laura-Ann van der Westhuizen confirmed that while attempts had been made to contact the order, an experienced detective constable working with Edinburgh's Public Protection Unit had been unable to do so.

Even had he done so, the allegations would not have been discussed, Ms van der Westhuizen added, claiming the officer was only seeking school records. As the allegations were 40 years old, there was no evidence of current risk, she said.

"I understand that," Lady Smith said. "I wasn't thinking about risk, I was thinking about gathering evidence for the prosecution."

And the judge poured scorn on Police claims that the order could not be located because Ladymary School had closed. "Googling the name of this order, you can find contact details within about 60 seconds. The address and Sister Keen's name are there. It is at your fingertips with the service of Google," she said.

Lady Smith said she was "concerned" at the attitude of Police Scotland.

"I want to air a concern I have that there would have been no interest on the part of the police in at least letting the order know they were looking at what happened at the school for which the order was responsible for a number of years - quite separately from having an interest in locating any relevant witnesses," she said.

A third witness to the inquiry said she had been concerned about the quality of accommodation run by a number of charities while working as a children's officer in the 1950s, including one run by the Catholic order the Sisters of Nazareth in Midlothian, the Aberlour orphanage in the Highland village of the same name, and Quarriers Village in Bridge of Weir.

Working firstly in Roxburgh and then Angus, she had withdrawn local children from a number of homes, she said.

In one case a doctor had refused to discharge a girl back to Nazareth House as she was suffering from malnutrition, she said, describing the home as "awful".

She said the Aberlour home had been on the "tourist trail" with visitors on tour buses stopping to view children as if they were zoo animals. Children deemed "naughty" were locked up in the gym for the duration of visits, she claimed. "On one occasion they pretended to be monkeys in front of the tourists."

The charity operated a collection box for such visits, she also claimed, adding: "They made some money from it."

She also said parents had been obliged to sign consent forms to commit children to stay with charities until they were 16 although these were not legally binding. "The idea was that if you took a child from a Glasgow slum and looked after it, you didn't want it to return to a Glasgow slum", she said. "It was said at the time that Glasgow would fill a van with children and take them up to the Highlands, where they would knock on doors and ask 'how many can you take?'".

The inquiry continues.

Midlothian, Scotland

"Out of Control" An Horrific Case of Child Sex Abuse

By Mike Pickford

“It only takes a moment for your life to spin away from you

and spiral out of control.”

In almost every sense of the word, Wendy Cook had a tough childhood. Growing up in a small community near Oshawa, Ontario, Canada, Ms. Cook suffered through unbelievable amounts of abuse. The self-declared “black sheep” of her family, Wendy was practically tortured by her mother, who would beat her on an almost daily basis. She was verbally abused by other members of her family, including her stepfather. She was also raped, regularly, by her older half-brother.

It is a difficult story to tell and not one most people would relish hearing about, but, with Child Abuse Prevention month kicking off on Oct. 1, Jennifer Moore, Executive Director of Dufferin Child and Family Services, felt it was one the public should hear about. Dubbed ‘Speak Up for Kids’, Ms. Moore invited Ms. Cook to share her horrific past with a room full of local residents last Thursday (Oct. 5). It was a shocking account, a way more than any person should have to go through in 1,000 lifetimes.

Growing up, Wendy never really considered herself a normal kid. Her family would not allow that. Instead she was teased and tormented, told almost daily that she was a worthless excuse for a human being. She was physically, sexually and verbally abused by her own family members. All before her 16th birthday.

“I never really knew, nor did I understand, what a normal life was,” Wendy said. “Normal to me was unlike anything I could ever truly explain. It wasn’t happily getting together for a family meal. It wasn’t watching your favourite TV show or movie. It was ducking for cover whenever I heard my mother, shuddering what I saw my older half-brother.”

Throughout the years of abuse, however, Wendy had one hope, one shining light that drew closer with every passing day. She remained in regular contact with her birth father, in secret behind her mother’s back. While she wanted to tell him of all she had to ensure, of the fear she was living in, she chose not to. Instead she simply relayed her wish to live with him once she was legally able to, having turned 16 years of age.

And so the days and the months and the years came and went. The beatings continued. The sexual abuse continued. Wendy though remained strong, or at least as strong as she could, looking forward to the day she could finally escape and start a new life with her dad. Then the day came, and everything changed.

“I remember coming downstairs on my 16th birthday, my mother was there and she informed me, bluntly, that I could no longer see my birth father and live under her roof. I felt something inside, almost joy. I remember calling my dad, excited…” Ms. Cook recalls. “It turns out he had completely forgotten it was my birthday. He had completely forgotten all the promises he had made over the years. He had forgotten about me.”

Her father had remarried for a third time and come to the conclusion that neither he nor his new wife knew how to raise a 16-year-old teenaged girl. Long story short, Wendy no longer had a way out. She was facing another sentence at home with her ‘family’.

Then she remembered a conversation she had with a man she met weeks previously, who promised her a lifetime of riches and safety. All she had to do was call him and he would fix her up with the “perfect job”. And so, with very few options and seemingly nowhere to turn, Wendy picked up the phone and called the number. She arranged to meet this man the very next day.

“All that was going through my head at the time was that this guy promised me I’d make a lot of money and I knew right now that I needed to make a lot of money. I needed to make a lot because I needed to have my own place, where I could lock the doors and where nobody could hurt or get at me, so I went to an interview,” Wendy said.

If you haven’t guessed already where this story is heading, prepare yourself now.

“I was driven to a strange looking building. We pulled up in this guy’s car and he told me to go inside, up the stairs and find a man named Wayne,” Wendy said. “I went inside. Wayne introduced himself and six other women. I quickly realized I was in the wrong place. I went outside to tell the guy as such, that he must have meant a different building, a different door, a different Wayne. He immediately got out of his car and approached me, baseball bat in hand. He threatened to kill me unless I showed up at the end of the day with cash in my hand.”

She added, “That’s how fast it happened.”

During her time in the sex trafficking industry, Wendy was introduced to pimps, high-end drug dealers, members of the mafia – basically, some “not very nice people” as Wendy would put it. As bad as she thought she had it living with her mother, half-brother and stepfather, who started making sexual advances himself towards the end of her stay at home, this was worse. As much as she thought her life was in danger before, it really was in jeopardy now.

It wasn’t just her handlers she had to be afraid of, it was herself. Wendy recalls one night where she came “very, very close” to taking 60 sleeping pills. Ending her life and slipping into a permanent sleep seemed infinitely better than anything else she could possibly think up at the time. In the end, she didn’t take the pills, she managed, finally, to find someone she could trust and she found a way out. Not everyone is so lucky, Wendy admits.

Now, working as a traumatic brain injury case worker and a support worker, she spends her time helping those in need. Her keynote speech at last week’s event was the first time she has ever spoken publicly about the troubles she had in her life growing up.

“I’m very grateful to be alive,” Wendy said. “My goal here is to ask all of you to be very aware, to have your eyes open, because we do have kids right here in this community wondering how they are going to come out the other side. We do have kids that want to leave this community, that think life will be better for them in Toronto… Don’t let them make the same mistakes I did. I went out of the frying pan and into the fire, not everyone is so fortunate to find a way out.”

She added, “I believe we have the resources right here in this community. Let’s make it our goal to make Orangeville a safe place, let’s make Dufferin County a safe place, even if your family is dysfunctional and messed up. We can help our children get the assistance they need – let them know they will be believed, acknowledged, supported and helped to get past any abuse they may be falling afoul of, they can turn their life around and come out the other side.”

Ms. Moore echoed those sentiments, stating that, while people may not wish to believe or acknowledge it, there is a need right now for services in Dufferin County. Between April 1 and Oct. 5 this year there were 525 referrals to child protection services under DCAFS.

“The mistreatment of children is uncomfortable to talk about, because nobody really wants to believe it’s happening here in our community, but it does. It happens in lots of different kinds of families, nobody is necessarily immune to it,” Ms. Moore said. “We all have a role to play in breaking the silence around child abuse and neglect, we all have a role to play in supporting our community. I believe strongly that, if we work together, we can make a difference.”

She added, “So let’s speak up for kids and let them know they have a place here. Help us spread our message and help us work towards bringing an end to child abuse in Dufferin County.”

As a part of its plans for Child Abuse Prevention month, DCAFS will be hosting ‘Dress Purple Day’ on Oct. 24, where it encourages students in all local schools to dress in purple clothing and speak up about the rights children have to safety and well-being. For more information, visit dcafs.on.ca.

Fox Family Values Crusader Loses Custody of Children

Fox host Bill O’Reilly loses custody of children amid abuse allegations

O'Reilly launched his primetime FNC show 20 years ago. © Brendan McDermid / Reuters

Fox News Channel host Bill O’Reilly lost custody of his teenage children over allegations of domestic abuse by his ex-wife.

The New York Appellate Division unanimously ruled that O’Reilly’s 13- and 17-year-old children should live full time with their mother, Maureen McPhilmy, who was married to the conservative commentator for 15 years.

A 1,400 word opinion using anonymous names was issued by the court last week, but the media only figured out who it was this week.

The ruling states it was the “clearly stated preferences of the children” to live with McPhilmy, citing their “age and maturity” as well as “the home environment provided” by her.

This affirms the original ruling by Nassau County Supreme Court in May 2015, which O’Reilly had appealed to delay its enforcement, Gawker reported.

O’Reilly and McPhilmy will share legal custody in material matters concerning the children, such as schooling, medical care, and religious guidance.

Following the initial ruling last year, it emerged O’Reilly’s 17-year-old daughter claimed she had witnessed O’Reilly “choking her mom” and that he had “dragged her down some stairs”.

She has said she found O’Reilly’s temper “scary” and also branded him an “adulterer” and an absentee father as he was “never around”.

Speaking to Politico at the time, O’Reilly described the allegations as "100 percent false".

"I am going to respect the court-mandated confidentiality put in place to protect my children and will not comment any further," he added.

O’Reilly and McPhilmy initially separated in April 2010 and then divorced in September 2011.

Since their legal separation, O’Reilly has been seen to try and undermine his wife on a number of occasions, according to reports.

In 2011, O'Reilly allegedly sought for an internal investigation to be conducted at Nassau County Police Department into a police officer which his ex-wife was now dating.

McPhilmy was reprimanded by her local church after O’Reilly reportedly told church leaders that even though she was a divorcee, she was still receiving communion, which is frowned upon in the Catholic Church.

It's also understood that the church told McPhilmy - at O'Reilly’s urging - to stop telling her children that her second marriage was valid in the eyes of God.

In 2004, O’Reilly settled a sexual harassment lawsuit levelled against him by a former producer for the ‘Falafelgate’ scandal, who claimed he repeatedly subjected her to “lewd, lascivious, vile, and threatening” behavior.

While it is pretty disgraceful behaviour, it doesn't negate the need for family values in modern society. It does though seem to reveal the need for anyone to maintain some control of his temper, even if they are Irish; and it shows a need for people to have an intimate relationship with Jesus Christ which allows us to display His grace and compassion rather than living under rules and regulations of church hierarchy.

Ms McPhilmy, you are welcome in any evangelical church where divorcing an adulterer is not a crime, and an intimate relationship with Jesus Christ is encouraged.