I just really love 'We Are Messengers', okay:
Excuse me while I do a line-by-line breakdown of why this song is so powerful and so relatable to a survivor of sex trafficking.
If I didn’t know what it hurt like to be broken
Then how would I know what it feels like to be whole
Man, the healing and grace that God has revealed to me in the face of my brokenness overwhelms and astounds me practically every minute of every day. My body was broken. My spirit was broken. My soul was broken. Now, even just in the middle of my healing, I can see how far I’ve come. Because I know that dark, broken place like the back of my hand. I know it so well that I can see it in the distance as I walk away from being hand-in-hand with God.
If I didn’t know what it cuts like to be rejected
Then I wouldn’t know the joy of coming home
I never had a home. Those who gave birth to me and those related to them kicked me when I was down. They abandoned me. They hurt me in ways too heinous for some people to even fathom. I remember begging my momma. I remember begging to be believed. To be rescued. To be loved. And I never got that. It was the one thing that I wanted most in the entire world, and I wasn’t allowed to have it.
Until I found God. Not only did He accept me as His and give me the hope of a Home like Heaven, He handed me a whole family of people to love and accept me here on Earth. He gave me people to make life worth living and a place to call my home while I wait for my Heavenly Home, and for that I am eternally grateful.
Maybe it’s ok if I’m not ok
Cause the one who holds the world is holding onto me
The magic of this is simple: when it’s too much for me to hold together, God is bigger. I don’t have to hold all the broken pieces of myself together, because God is doing it for me and He is delighted that I let Him.
Maybe it’s alright if I’m not alright
Cause the one who holds the stars is holding my whole life
For a long time, I was convinced that God didn’t love me. That He didn’t want me. He wouldn’t rescue me from the men my uncle sold me to each night. He wouldn’t save me from that Hell, because I wasn’t worthy. Friends, He is the reason I am still alive. That’s what I believe He was doing. It wasn’t that He didn’t save me, it that He was in a battle for my life and my soul against that mountainous evil. He was holding my life in His hands all along, protecting it.
If I didn’t know what it looked like to be dirty
Then I wouldn’t know what it feels like to be clean
This can easily be taken in a PTSD way, the feeling of being dirty and used and invaluable. And I admit, that’s where my brain went at first, because that’s what I needed to hear at the time. God washed me clean. I was made new. I was not that girl who felt dirty anymore.
But that’s not what I hear now. I think of the liberation of being physically clean. There is nothing left of those men on me. None of the disgusting things I spent hours upon hours trying to wash off and praying would fade away are left. God put me in a situation where those things were not a threat to me anymore.
I’ve been made clean: spiritually and physically.
If all of my shame hadn’t drove me to hide in the shadows
Then I wouldn’t know the beauty of being free
I hid my story for literally years out of shame and despair. I was so ashamed and I felt so much guilt that I used that to isolate myself. I struggled to get close to people. I struggled to let people in. I could rarely let anyone touch me. I was living in a darkness I was convinced that no one would ever get me out of.
God got me out. He gave me people that could draw me out of my shell. He gave me people to hear my story who would believe me and love me and pray God’s hope and healing over me. The freedom of having people in my life I was genuinely safe with was something I wasn’t even sure how to handle, but I’m still loving every minute of it.
Maybe it’s ok if I’m not ok
Cause the one who holds the world is holding onto me
Maybe it’s alright if I’m not alright
Cause the one who holds the stars is holding my whole life
Father let Your kingdom come
Let Your will be done
Here, in my heart as in heaven (2x)
I am praying this prayer. Daily, sometimes more. I am so, so grateful to God for everything He has done for me, and this is a great reminder to pay it forward. Things aren’t perfect. I don’t have it all together. I am not magically healed, but I want God’s will to be in my heart every step of the way because it is the one thing that always keeps me going.
Maybe it’s ok if I’m not ok
Cause the one who holds the world is holding onto me
Maybe it’s alright if I’m not alright
Cause the one who holds the stars is holding my whole life
Maybe it’s Ok, if I’m not Ok
Maybe it is okay, if I’m not okay? God rescued me out of the hands of my sex traffickers. God has provided for me in ways that have to be miraculous. I try to remember every day to turn to Him, give it all to Him, put my faith in Him, be thankful to Him. Sometimes I’m not so good at that. Some days I have bad days. Some days I feel like the world is crumbling in on me and I don’t know what to do. But that’s okay. It’s okay. God understands and He keeps loving me.
If God can love me as a sex worker, if He can love me as a sex trafficking victim, if He can love me as a nonbeliever, if He can love me as an addict, if He can love me in all those awful moments, He can love me when I’m having a bad day.
It’s okay if I’m not okay.
Hope (@HopeDoe3)
No comments:
Post a Comment