7 Warning Signs a Narcissistic Psychopath Is Exploiting You

"Not all are narcissists are sexual predators,

but all sexual predators are narcissistic sociopaths"

By Athena Staik, Ph.D.
PsychCentral

Can you spot a narcissist**? And the warning signs that a narcissistic psychopath may be scheming to exploit you to serve their interests and pleasure at the expense of your own?

Narcissists self-identify with at least 7 narcissistic traits, rigidly regard these as proof of their superiority, self-worth and esteem, and their right to double standard entitlements to exploit and abuse with impunity. The below warning signs speak to who they really, really believe and lust to be, beneath their array of disguises.

1. They present a consistent pattern predatory behaviors.

Did your relationship develop too fast, feel too good to be true at the start? Did he seem to be so in tune to what you love and want, to say and do just the right things (love bombing) that created a fairy tale illusion around who he is, what he wants for you and your relationship?

Looking back months or years later, did his words mirror your highest hopes and wishes for a guy and relationship, and yet were never or rarely backed by consistent actions that said he truly genuinely valued you as a person? For example, did he promise to never cheat, yet was protective of his cell or dismissed your concerns about female “friends” in his life or at work?

In effect, now, do you hold an idealized image of him that gets you to protect him from the criticism of others, overlook glaring incongruences, repeated wrongs and cruel actions at emotional, mental levels, perhaps also physical or sexual as well? Have you consistently reacted by making excuses in your mind or to others? And, did this gradual lowering of your expectations, result in your lowering expectations for him and simultaneously raising them for yourself?

Narcissists seek to prey on women with certain vulnerabilities, to exploit them sexually, emotionally, perhaps financially and physically. They have studied their subject. Being cowards, they prey on the vulnerable. They know, for example, that women are socialized to be “nice” and “please” others, often find it hard to say no to men in particular. They intentionally abuse, shame, cajole and gaslight their victims, to make them feel confused, crazy, blamed for the narcissist’s misery, responsible to protect them from being held accountable for their wrongs.

Not all are narcissists are sexual predators, but all sexual predators are narcissistic sociopaths. Sociopaths are predators that link their self-identity to acts of violence and, or violating the rights of those they perceive as inferior. A narcissist regards women as a sport, a thrilling sex game between objects, hunters and prey. They pretend-talk about “love” and “relationships,” especially at first, and occasionally as needed, to trap women into to trusting their snare of lies. In cases of sexual assault or child sexual abuse, similarly, they use love-bombing to disarm those they prey upon, and terrorize them into silence, warning them against revealing the “secret” and making them feel responsible to protect the narcissist from scrutiny and potential harm

2. They self-identify as intentionally, willfully exploitive.

Did you feel flattered by all the attention at the start, how interested he was to hear you pore your heart out, share your deepest fears, past wounds and so on? Did you increasingly notice that he used the personal details of your experiences to his benefit, to build a case against you? If so, it may be that, while you were bamboozled into thinking he was your dream boat, he was really putting together a nightmare for you.

As predators, narcissists views others as objects to exploit for their own gain; they study those they prey on as a group carefully. They know what women want, how to play with their minds, and gain their trust. They gather data from women in past relationships, and, added to yours, they use this to create illusions that match your biggest wishes, and insecurities, to disarm and make you feel you can totally trust them. This allows them, literally, to do wrong in plain sight.

And now, looking back, is it nearly impossible to make a request, state an opinion, or express how you feel (about the way he treats you), without him acting enraged, or shifting the focus to making you feel bad, isolated, ashamed, unloved or judged by others as crazy or controlling, for saying the things you do? Does he automatically turn your every attempt to talk into a “conversation from hell”? Does he deprive you of attention, making you and, or your needs feel invisible? Does he do “something” to ruin each planned outing or special event?

While you thought you’d found a romantic prince charming, a soulmate, committed to you alone, a guy hat makes you feel you’re the only woman in the world, instead, he was gathering data, strategizing.

3. They self-identify with no moral compass.

Does he find some way to ruin a planned trip or date, or to never address behaviors that hurt you and, or your relationship? Do you blame yourself, for not being able to figure out how to get him to see how devoted and loyal you are?

Narcissism is a severe cognitive disturbance and is listed in the DSM as an enduring character disorder; this means the prognosis for healing is zero to none. The fact that a narcissist has no moral compass is what makes them a risk to others. They link their self-identity to violence and disregard for others rights, and they regard this as evidence of their superiority and right to dominate and exploit others, in particular, those they perceive as weak and inferior. Sadly, this disturbance causes them to rage against their own (and other’s) human impulses (true-self); they desperately cling on to an arbitrarily fashioned sense of false-self as superior and entitled to differential treatment, a super fragile ego that is like a house of cards.

This disturbance is characterized by the absence of values and objectives that normally guide behaviors and decision making in relationships. Nothing disgusts and repels narcissists more than human traits of caring, tenderness and compassion for others, and those those that emphasize values that elevate the moral treatment of all human beings. This explains why they identify as amoral; they view those who are as inferior and weak.

Narcissists feel scorn and disgust for those who identify and express human values and traits, such as empathy and caring. In their worldview, caring, kindness and moral treatment of other human beings are traits of those they prey on, in their mind, that “deserve” to be exploited and lied to, as prey.

4. They self-identify as con artists, pathological liars.

Does he gaslight you to shift the focus from what you want to talk about to pounding a list of your faults, more specifically, how “selfish,” “overly sensitive,” “controlling,” “emotionally crazy” and so on, he and “everyone” judges you to be? Do your conversations leave you confused, crazy, wondering what you could say or do to get him to understand, to invite him to work and partner with you, not control him, not tear him down?

Narcissists are expert con artists. Their game is to con women to participate in their own abuse and exploitation. Nothing gives them more pleasure than to deceive, manipulate another to do something against their will. It’s the purpose of the con game! To them, the means and ends are one. From their worldview, skillfully exploiting others, and getting them to blame themselves rather than the narcissist is proof of their “intelligence and “superiority” and thus, “entitles” them to dominate and exploit those they deem “feeble” and “inferior.”

They go by the motto of “might makes right.”

As they have no moral compass, narcissists view skills in con artistry and lies as a critical means to an end — to dominate, conquer, enslave. The goal is to confuse and drive women who are knowingly conditioned to be nice and give others the benefit of doubt,  to slavishly participate in their own abuse and debasement.

They also are invested in the “might makes right” or “supremacist” value system, which itself is a house of cards based on lies. This worldview dupes men into rejecting their human “true-self” and instead linking their self identity to acts of violence and disregard for the rights of those deemed inferior and weak, more often women, children, weak men and nonwhites. Their shame based “false-self” realities are deeply ingrained. So much so that narcissists obsessively block and deny any evidence contrary to their belief that men are superior and therefore entitled to abuse and exploit women, for example.

They lie to promote a worldview in which their “false-self” superiority is real, a view that normalizes violence and cruelty as means for “strong” men to maintain dominance over the “weak.” This explains why a narcissist refuses to change! To change is to not exist.  To them, “healing” is talk only the weak engage in. Indeed, their greatest fear is the true-self of self and others — human being! They desperately seek to deny or pathologies human yearnings for intimacy, closeness, collaboration. They need lies because their false-self does not exist in a world of truth about the power of love and creativity, collaboration and human connection!

5. They self-identify as abusers, bullies.

Narcissists are chronic abusers. At minimum, emotional and psychological. Like addicts, they intentionally seek to inflict pain or violate their partner’s rights. From this disordered mindset, if a person can be conned and get “hurt,” that makes them weak and stupid — and the narcissist strong and smart. Violating others with no remorse is linked to a rigid belief system that, in varying degrees from boyhood, shames men to display a callous disregard for their partner’s feelings to prove they deserve the status of belonging to the “cult of masculinity.”

In order to put up a façade of superiority, they constantly target their partners for ridicule, shame, scorn and punishment. They not only use fear and anger to terrorize their target into submission and silence, they also derive pleasure from instilling pain, subverting other’s will, making them uncomfortable, publicly shaming them, deprive them of their sense of self and peace of mind. They study their targets to know what they most need and fear, then force them to be in compromising situations, and do what is against their will, value system.

Thus, wherever they go, they form “we versus them” religious and secular cults. They refuse to “see” clear evidence, all around the world, that biologically all human beings, male and female, white and nonwhite, and so on, have tremendous capabilities, miracle making even, to excel and contribute intellectually, athletically and spiritually, etc., in meaningful ways!  They are so invested in believing the lie that only males are “biologically” superior to females, and only whites to nonwhites, etc., that they have, for centuries and more, intentionally strategized to block women and nonwhites from opportunities to live self-sufficient lives.

6. They self-identify as heartless.

Does he question and accuse you of being a narcissist when you want attention, selfish for making requests of him, sensitive because you cry when he is abusive, controlling because you ask him to stop micromanaging you, and so on?

Narcissism is not merely a label. It is a serious cognitive disturbance, a profile of one that has lost their connection to feeling human traits of kindness, empathy and caring for others wellbeing and happiness because they hate and feel disgust for what makes people human. It based on a misguided ideology, one that rigidly upholds values of “toxic masculinity” that are linked to “might makes right” or “supremacist” values. These twisted beliefs not only dehumanize, they also leave narcissists with extremely fragile, weak and wounded egos. A lifetime of trying to be what is not human as it is not humane.

Beware, a narcissist has no capacity to love. How could they when they feel scorn and disgust for those that yearn to feel loved and loving? The more a woman signals that she wants to make a narcissist happy, and that her happiness and self worth, and self-love depend on this, the more a narcissist has openings to torment and take control of her mind, in particular, how she feels about herself, the narcissist, others and life. A narcissist knows how to “act” like confidant and protector, all the while, gather information on how to instill her with mistrust of her self and those that have been longstanding support systems for her, more often one or both parents,  perhaps other friends or others who genuinely care for other human beings. Meanwhile, he’s also smearing her reputation so that others look down and mistrust her.

They do know how to fake or “profess love,” known as love bombing, a tool of deceit and harm. They have studied those that have hearts and want to love and be loved unconditionally. They may even watch “Hallmark” movies for ideas. Only someone disconnected from their ability to empathize derives pleasure from strategizing cruel treatment of those that try to love them. In their mind, this proves their superiority, in their mind. Empathy is a tool they use to bait others, to snare and exploit them, to use them as punching bags, serving at the pleasure of narcissists. They cannot fake empathy, however, with those who are aware and informed. When a woman allows herself to see and believe they fully know what they are doing, and are not capable of loving another or themselves, this neutralizes the ability of APDs to effect harm.  They feel no remorse for demoralizing those kind and caring persons they perceive are weak, inferior and deserve what they get.

7. They self-identify as entitled to exploit, con, abuse with impunity.

Does he harass you about getting on meds or seeing a psychiatrist to check if they agree with him that you’re bipolar or borderline!? Thinking back, does every “conversation from hell” make you increasingly start to blame yourself, feel bad, doubt your self and sanity? Do you spin your wheels wondering what you need to do to prove your loyalty and devotion so he would stop feeling so insecure and miserable (and blaming it on you!)?

All of the above together indicate that the narcissist feels entitled to treat those he deems inferior with impunity, and thus, to exploit, con and abuse, lie, get you to question your sanity, spin your wheels, anything to keep you in the hot seat, and appear blameless, as if nothing they do sticks.  explaining to them “why” their behavior is hurtful, and so on. The narcissist lusts to torment, make his targets feel uncomfortable. While you’re wondering why he doesn’t “get what he does hurts you,” he’s enjoying every level of discomfort, hurt, pain, frustration, you display. He thrills in his own ability to get you to deflect any doubt about him, and instead to question and doubt yourself, for example, by openly giving attention to other women, to get you to compare and doubt your ability to please and keep him happy.

A narcissistic psychopath, or APD** in the DSM, is a serious cognitive disturbance, a more extreme manifestation of NPD on the spectrum. Unlike other mental health disorders, sociopaths intentionally act out their rage and scorn for those they perceive as weak and inferior to them, in characteristically patterned behaviors ( narcissistic abuse), seeking to prove their superior status, by harming and violating other’s rights, abusing them emotionally and mentally, at minimum, and in more extreme cases, sexually, physically, financially, and more.

** The terms narcissist or narcissism in this article refer to persons that fully meet the criteria (as opposed to mere tendencies) for narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) — and more so, to the more extreme version on the spectrum, sociopathology or psychopathology, labeled as antisocial personality disorder (APD) in the DSM. 

**** The use of male pronouns is supported by decades of research showing that domestic violence, sexual assault, rape, mass shootings, pedophilia, and other acts of “false-power” violence are not gender neutral. On the contrary, they are rooted in rigid adherence to gendered might-makes-right norms that idealize “toxic masculinity” for men (and “toxic femininity” for women). These norms also idealize violence and intimidation as means of establishing male superiority and dominance (over females and others, i.e., “weak” males).  And though, comparatively speaking far fewer in number, female narcissists do exist, however they too rigidly self-identify with toxic masculinity norms. It’s also important to note that, in many cases, women that are mislabeled as narcissists, when they are targets of a narcissist’s smear campaign; in other cases, they are instead accomplices (serving a narcissist’s interests, a form of narcissistic abuse).

Child Sexual Exploitation ‘Woefully Underreported’ and Unrecognized

‘Groomers can give them access to alcohol, to drugs and make them feel grown up, which makes them feel they are choosing those relationships,’

says UK‘s leading children's charity 

Lucy Pasha-Robinson, The Independent 

'Many people interpret this as choices the girls are making rather than recognising them as vulnerable children,' NSPCC policy manager Lisa McCrindle tells The Independent PA

Child sexual exploitation is being “woefully underreported,” the NSPCC has warned.

The charity said that manipulative tactics used by offenders mean many child victims are unaware they are being groomed or exploited, and often adults are unable to identify the signs. 

NSPCC’s policy manager Lisa McCrindle told The Independent that sophisticated grooming practices mean any child can be vulnerable, as abusers “tap in” to what young people want.

“We often deal with young people at a time in their life when they are easily influenced. Groomers can give them access to alcohol and drugs, and make them feel grown up, which makes them feel they are choosing those relationships, when in reality they are being exploited,” she said. 

“Groomers know what they are doing and groomers want to use that against young people who are particularly vulnerable to being groomed. It is abuse, recognised as child abuse, and it needs to be treated as such.”

Efforts to tackle child sexual exploitation have come under the spotlight in recent years following scandals in Rochdale, Rotherham and Oxford.

Earlier in the year, ministers pledged an extra £40 million to help agencies do more to fight sexual abuse, trafficking and exploitation. 

However, Ms McCrindle said the very nature of grooming makes it difficult to recognise as groomers often succeed in deceiving both the victim and those around them. 

“Many people interpret this as choices the girls are making rather than recognising them as vulnerable children,” she said. 

“That’s why it’s so important that there is relationship education in schools, so they know what a good relationship looks like and what an unhealthy abusive relationship looks like.”

It comes days after a report found the “normalisation” of underage sex was exposing children and young people to the risk of sexual abuse.

Research by the Family Education Trust pointed to a culture in which normalises underage sexual activity as part of the reason professionals failed to detect the abuse of young people in Rochdale, Oxfordshire and Rotherham. 

NSPCC Chief Executive Peter Wanless said: “Young people will not always recognise that they are being exploited and treated as property.

“We want every child to be able to spot exploitation for what it is and, if they find themselves in danger, know that it is categorically not their fault.

“We are imploring any adult who suspects a child is being exploited to pick up the phone and call the NSPCC Helpline.

“This abuse is sadly still woefully under-reported and, for us to help these children, we need people to speak up.”

The warning from the NSPCC comes ahead of the start of ‘Three Girls’, a new BBC drama based on grooming and sexual abuse cases in Rochdale.

Child Sex Abuse Victims Talk About How it Affected Their Relationships

Excellent article in honour of Sexual Abuse and

Sexual Violence Awareness Week

Tanveer Mann for Metro.co.uk

If you are a victim of sexual abuse, remember you are not alone (File Picture: Shutterstock)

If you’re a victim of sexual abuse, a common reaction is

to deny it ever happened.

Admitting it to yourself is hard let alone having the courage

to tell somebody else.

Sexual Abuse and Sexual Violence Awareness Week: What you need to know

But by not speaking about it, it can have drastic effects on your mental health so it is always advisable to seek support from someone you trust.

Fortunately, there is a lot of help and support available for victims of sexual abuse, such as Victim Support,The Survivors Trust or Survivors UK as well as the Rape Crisis national helpline.

To mark Sexual Abuse and Sexual Violence Awareness week, we spoke to two extremely brave victims of child sex abuse who reveal just how much the abuse affected them.

Amy, 23, 

Do not fear seeking help if you are being or have been abused

(Picture: Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk)

Amy* was sexually abused by her step-father as a child up until the age of 15 years old.

Her first vivid memory of being abused was when she was 11 years old.

She told Metro.co.uk: ‘One morning I was doing my usual routine, which was to get up, say goodbye to my mum as she headed off to work then have a shower.

‘As I was getting changed my step-father walked in and started sexually abusing me by playing with my chest and genitals area, he then penetrated me.

‘It felt like something was wrong but he told me and assured me it was completely natural.’

Despite knowing her step-father for seven years previously, the abuse continued, becoming more and more regular and more violent.

She said: ‘He would abuse me every weekend when I went to visit him and my mum after school on a Friday until Sunday. And every school holiday including the 6 weeks summer holidays.’

What is sexual assault?

A sexual assault is any sexual act that a person did not consent to,

or is forced into against their will.

It is a form of sexual violence and includes rape.

It also includes groping, forced kissing, child sexual abuse

or the torture of a person in a sexual manner.

Sexual Abuse and Sexual Violence Awareness week: The state of the help for survivors

This would often involve him walking into her room and touching her without her consent.

‘He made me stand up, bent me over and rubbed his genitals on me until he penetrated. He also got me to rub his genitals to help him penetrate me as it wasn’t easy for him to do so.

‘I was told by my step father that this was natural to do as a teenager, but he said I wasn’t to tell anyone.’

But throughout it all, she didn’t seek help from anyone out of fear of what her step-father would do.

‘I remember on a couple occasions I said no to him and he hated it when I did. I told him when I was 13 that I would tell my mum or someone and he got very angry and he scared me.

‘He told me to keep it hidden and said that if I told anyone he would tell them that I was lying. He did that so that I’d never tell anyone.’

It was only when Amy turned 15 did she get the courage to finally speak out and tell someone about the abuse.

She told us: ‘At the age of 15 I finally decided I was going to tell someone. I visited a very close friend and told her what had been happening. She told me I needed to tell the police, so together we made the call.’

Where you can seek help

If you are a survivor of sexual abuse or sexual violence, here is where you can seek help or support:

Your doctor

Rape Crisis UK – 0808 802 9999

The Survivors Trust – 0808 801 0818

Survivors UK (for male survivors of rape) – 02035983898

National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247

A hospital accident and emergency (A&E) department

A genitourinary medicine (GUM) or sexual health clinic

A contraceptive clinic

A young people’s service

The police, or dial 101

In an emergency, dial 999

(File Picture: Shutterstock)

Eventually, Amy approached Victim’s Support and decided to take him to court where he was convicted.

Amy explained: ‘The experience of taking my step-father to court wasn’t easy at all. It was terrifying but with the help and support from my police officer, witness support officer at the court and my Victim Support case worker they helped me prepare for court.

‘They showed me around the court and told me who would be there and where they would be standing. I did find court scary, hard and emotional but I knew I was doing the right thing to make sure he got punished for what he did and to prevent him doing it to others.’

After the court case was over, Amy finally felt able to get some closure about what happened to her.

‘It will always remain in my mind what he did to me, but I haven’t let it ruin my life. I feel a lot safer now that he has been convicted and that I have prevented it from happening to others.’

Yet she still suffered significant effects from the abuse and said it was hard getting close to the opposite sex.

She said: ‘After the abuse, I felt like I couldn’t trust any boy and wouldn’t let anyone get close to me. I felt like I wouldn’t ever have a boyfriend and it took me 10 years to trust men again.

‘I eventually got a boyfriend after seeking help from the charity Victim Support and my college counsellor to talk about what happened and how I could not let what my stepfather did to me ruin my life.’

‘But it has definitely made me very wary around boys. The abuse has changed the person I am today.  I used to be someone who was confident and near enough did what any normal teenage girl would do, but I now feel limited and have very low self confidence.

*Victim’s name has been changed to protect her identity.

Brian, 30

(Picture: Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk)

Brian* was sexually abused by his Cub and Scout masters between the age of 4 and 15 years old.

The abuse by his Cub master, Richard Gilbert, took place between 4 and 11 and by his Scout master. Edward O’Donoghue, from 13 to 15 years old

Gilbert was never convicted of abusing Brian as he committed suicide before Brian could disclose his abuse to the police.

O’Donoghue, who was also a paediatric counsellor at Great Ormond Street Hospital, was the first person Brian trusted to share his story.

But O’Donoghue abused his position of trust and started molesting Brian.

Fortunately, he was convicted after pleading guilty to four specimen counts of indecent assault and was sentenced to two years in jail in March 2007. He was also placed on the sex offender’s register for 10 years and was banned from working with children for life.

Male survivors of sexual assault share their stories in powerful pictures

(File Picture: Shutterstock)

Here’s Brian’s story in his own words

The abuse began after Richard struck up a friendship with my mum and dad. He started coming round to the house often and would take my mum out dancing.

As far as my brother and I could remember, Richard was always there – he never had any children or wasn’t with any women or men during the time I knew him.

He would stay at ours and that’s where the abuse would take place. My first recollection was when he came up to my bedroom and slid his hands underneath the sheets.

It would happen regularly. He’d pretend he was ‘going upstairs to tuck Brian into bed’ when really other things were happening.

If I was in the shower, he would stand outside, look through the keyhole and masturbate or if we were in my bedroom, he would masturbate in front of me. I was five years old when this first happened.

When I turned nine, I started pleading for him to stop abusing me because I knew it wasn’t right.

I started pleading for him to stop abusing me because I knew it wasn’t right.

I worked out quite quickly that it was wrong. But it was weird because he would buy me presents, so I was sort of groomed into thinking he was a nice person.

He just kept saying to me ‘it’s our secret’.

I became very angry as I grew up, especially with my parents because I wanted to quit Cubs, which I was in from eight to 11 years old, but my mum would always make me go and help out thee.

I wanted to give up but I felt like it was my responsibility to keep on doing what he wanted me to do. I was petrified that if I ever spoke about, it would tear my family apart.

The Statistics

Three quarters of people who approach Rape Crisis for help were assaulted over 12 months earlier and 42% were adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse.

Around 58,000 individuals receive an ongoing Rape Crisis service, an increase of 16% since 2014-15.

95% of all service users were female

The largest group that contact Rape Crisis Centres continues to be those who prefer to self-refer (44%)

Where age is known, 1,700 were aged 15 or under, an increase of 13% on last year; those aged under 25 represented 33% of service users, an increase of 8%

Where ethnicity is known, 27% of Rape Crisis services users were Black or Minority Ethnic, an increase from 23% in 2014-15

23% of all service users identified as Disabled.

On some levels, I think I knew my parents knew what was happening but they didn’t want to acknowledge it.

Then the abuse randomly stopped when I was 11. I don’t know why because he continued to come to my house.

By this point I had joined Scouts and became friends with my Scout master Edward O’Donoghue.

I confided in him because I really thought he had my best interests at heart. He was the first I told about Richard.

But then the abuse started again. Edward plied me with alcohol and would then masturbate in front of me and perform oral sex on me.

He would me take me on weekends away under the pretence of looking for camp sites for the Scouts and he would then touch me in the tent.

The abuse only stopped when I moved away.

Eventually I mustered up the courage to tell my parents and got Edward arrested. To this day, I still think my mum knew about it.

But it felt good to be finally free. I had carried all this crap with me for a long time,so the moment I could share it, it was like verbal diarrhoea. I felt like no one owned me anymore.

After I told my parents, I didn’t realise how much the abuse had actually affected me.

I spiralled out of control, became reliant on alcohol and was really possessive and controlling towards girlfriends.

The strangest thing was though, out of all the abuse it was the intimacy of kissing that was the most painful part. Kissing was destroyed for me for a very long time because every time I would do it, it reminded me of Richard sticking his tongue down my throat.

I also felt incredibly guilty for walking around with this secret for so long. Because if I had told someone about Richard earlier, it may have stopped other children being abused by him.

It is really important to tell someone otherwise if you keep it inside, it will eat at you like cancer affecting your body.

Following Edward’s conviction, I received £80,000 in compensation from The Scouts Association, which gave me the chance to start my life again but the scars will always remain.

I’m still in therapy which has helped but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to stop it.

*Victim’s name has been changed to protect his identity.

Seeking help

Lucy Hastings, director at independent charity Victim Support, told Metro.co.uk:

‘Making the brave decision to speak out about sexual abuse and violence shows tremendous courage, and can encourage others to come forward and seek help too. We know from supporting victims of sexual abuse and violence that this harrowing crime can have a long-lasting impact on people’s lives. It’s crucial that victims are aware of the support available to them.

‘Victim Support is an independent charity. We can offer free and confidential practical help and emotional support to anyone affected by crime, no matter how long ago it took place or if it’s been reported. You can call our support line on 08 08 16 89 111 or visit victimsupport.org.uk to find out how we can help.’

‘An NSPCC spokesperson said: ‘Child sexual abuse is a deeply traumatic experience that if untreated can lead to serious mental health problems, robbing victims of their childhood and having long-lasting effects into adulthood. Our programme Letting the Future In is designed to help victims express feelings that they can’t put into words through messy play, writing, storytelling and art.

‘We also work to try and prevent sexual abuse with our Speak Out Stay Safe programme, where a team of volunteers visit schools to teach children about abuse; how to recognise the signs, how to protect themselves and where to get help, including our Childline service.’

Chinese Reality Show Prompts Outcry over Fake Father-Daughter Relationships

Reality TV in China promotes dangerous relationships

between grown men and little children

Source: Xinhua

BEIJING, Nov. 23 (Xinhua) -- A popular Chinese reality show featuring fake father-daughter pairs has been accused of showing inappropriate relationships between adults and children.

The fourth season of reality show "Dad, Where Are We Going?" pairs "intern" fathers, all celebrities, with children who are not their own. In previous seasons, the show only featured celebrity dads and their real children, but a government ban on the "overuse" of celebrities' children has forced the show to change.

In this season, 23-year-old Olympic athlete Dong Li is designated as "father" to 4-year-old Cui Yahan. He takes care of the little girl several days a week, eats and sleeps with her, and is present when she bathes.

The pair has spawned thousands of so-called "CP" or "couple" fans -- people who believe certain TV characters are meant to be together romantically. Good grief!

They point to one scene in which Yahan tells Dong that when she grows up, she wants to marry him, as well as to an interview in which Dong says his dream girl is Arale, Yahan's nickname.

The show's production company, Mango TV, fanned the flames by posting an online video clip set to a love song and captioned "Dong and Arale's interpretation of 'Let's Fall in Love,'" referring to a famous Chinese dating show. Mango TV is the online division of Hunan TV, one of China's largest television channels.

However, the pair's popularity has triggered worries among parents and experts. Some have claimed that the popularity of the show may mislead the public about appropriate adult-child relationships and make children vulnerable.

A mother-to-be published an open letter on China's microblog service Sina Weibo, expressing her anger that the show's producers have edited the show to make the pair look like a couple.

"If she were your daughter, would you ever let her stay with a strange man wearing only underwear? Would you ever allow a 23-year-old man to tell the media that his ideal type for a girlfriend is your 3-year-old daughter?" the woman wrote.

The woman is also a volunteer with "Girl Protection," a public welfare program under the Children's Safety Fund of the China Social Assistance Foundation.

Statistics from Girl Protection indicate that in 2015, the media exposed 314 cases of sexual abuse against children in China, and 85 percent of these sexual abuse cases were perpetrated by someone the child knows.

Others are quick to defend the show against the accusations.

"I don't think the pair is creepy. They are so adorable. Please don't exaggerate just to scare the public," said Weibo user "Guaishoupitaohezuoshe."

The program "Dad, Where Are We Going?" responded via its official account on Weibo, saying the criticisms are "over-interpreting."

"The clips of Dong's words were intended to show his paternal love, but these clips were distorted and interpreted out of context, misleading netizens and causing invisible harm to children," according to the statement.

The statement added that Dong never stays alone with the girl. Cameras are placed everywhere, and the girl has a female director to help her change her clothes and bathe, it said.

"We hope more people can focus on the innocence of the children and the paternal love of their 'intern' fathers," the statement said.

The explanation, however, has irritated some experts in the girl protection field. People took to the keyboard to demand the issue be taken seriously.

Jiang Jing, procurator at the Jinniu District Procuratorate in Chengdu city in southwest China's Sichuan Province, wrote an article on the official Minors Procuratorate account on WeChat.

To Jiang, the show sets a bad example for sex education and is too flippant in its treatment of the safety risks girls face.

"As a reality show that has been viewed up to 350 million times on the Internet, the program should have done better," Jiang said, urging the show to thoroughly weigh its influence on children and consult experts in education and child psychology.

"Child protection should be the priority when showing the intimacy and the 'love' between the 'intern' father-daughter pair," said Jiang.

No child should be in the care of a grown man or teenage boy who is not the child's father or brother. It's a risk that is not worth taking!

Heart-breaking Inter-generational Consequences of Child Sex Abuse

Children of childhood sex abuse victim REMOVED from her care after ruling

A WOMAN who was a victim of sexual abuse throughout her childhood has had her three children taken from her care after judges concluded that they were also at risk.

    High Court in London  GETTY

The woman complained that the local authority social services department which "allowed my childhood to be ripped apart" had "turned on me and removed my children".

She said social workers had not considered what help could have been offered.

Bosses have accepted that the council had "failed" the woman when she was a child.

They also appear to have failed her as an adult. Every sexually abused child needs counselling both as a child and an adult in order to overcome the severe psychological damage that CSA causes. This should be the right of every survivor, regardless of cost. The cost to the survivor for not getting that help is horrendous as this case reveals. This is not a one-off!

One judge who examined her case said it was impossible not to have a "very significant degree of sympathy".

Detail of the case has emerged in a Court of Appeal judge's ruling which has been published following a hearing in London.

Neither the woman nor the council involved has been identified in the ruling, published by Lord Justice McFarlane.

It is impossible to approach any consideration of [her] case without a very significant degree of sympathy for her

Lord Justice McFarlane

A judge based in the Family Division of the High Court in London had initially assessed social workers' concerns at a private hearing in 2015.

Mrs Justice Theis had ruled that the woman's children - aged between a few months and three - should be placed for adoption.

She concluded that the woman had been involved in relationships with men she knew were sex abusers - and those relationships put the children at risk.

The judge said the woman was a "very damaged young person, who had been the victim of serious sexual assaults from a young age" - and concluded that her "vulnerability to be drawn into such relationships again in the future remained unchecked".

Mrs Justice Theis said she did not blame the woman, adding that she had a deal of sympathy.

The woman then asked Lord Justice McFarlane to consider her case - at a public Court of Appeal hearing.

Silhouette of a woman  GETTY
Neither the woman nor the council involved has been identified in the ruling

But Lord Justice McFarlane has ruled that Mrs Justice Theis's decision should stand.

He said the woman had no prospect of winning an appeal.

"It is impossible to approach any consideration of [her] case without a very significant degree of sympathy for her," said Lord Justice McFarlane in his written ruling.

"(She) was herself a victim ... of sexual abuse within (her) family from a young age and throughout her childhood."

He added: "The local authority has accepted that, in the past, it has failed this family and, in particular, [the woman] when she was a child."

But he said the woman had not come close to showing that Mrs Justice Theis had been wrong to rule that her children should be placed for adoption.

The woman had written a statement in which she told Lord Justice McFarlane: "I was robbed of my childhood and self-esteem. I did not know how to say 'no' or how to assess a situation.

"I feel that the same local authority that allowed my childhood to be ripped apart and taken away from me, turned on me and removed my children without considering what help could have been offered to me to enable me [to] safeguard my children."

Child Sex Abuse Victim Speaks Out About Sickening Abuse

Child sex abuse victim speaks out about sickening abuse as her paedophile attacker jailed for seven years

BY RED WILLIAMS

Brave Sianne Mann, 36, has blasted sick Nicholas Tilley, who she says has destroyed her life after she took almost three decades to pluck up the courage to report him

Sianne Mann has spoken out

A courageous child sex abuse victim has spoken out about the abuse she suffered at the hands of an evil pervert as he is jailed for seven years.

Brave Sianne Mann, 36, has blasted sick paedophile Nicholas Tilley, 47, hoping that by speaking out she will inspire other sex abuse victims living in silence to come forward.

Defiant Sianne said she was haunted for years by vile Tilley's abuse and it took her almost three decades to pluck up enough courage to report her twisted tormentor to police.

It then emerged that the sick paedophile had also abused another young schoolgirl.

And a court heard Tilley had also been jailed in 2008 for child sex crimes.

Tilley assaulted Sianne, whose marriage has collapsed under the intense strain, when she was just seven while his then-girlfriend was child-minding her.

Almost 30 years on, Sianne, of Ipswich, Suffolk, last night said depraved Tilley had “destroyed her life” but declared: “Now, I’m relieved.

“I feel like I’m not scared of him any more because I stood up to him.

“If there are girls out there who are scared to come forward - don’t be scared, talk to someone. “You don’t have to go through it on your own.”


Tilley was jailed for seven years last week at Ipswich Crown Court for assaults on Sianne and another girl.

The evil brute targeted Sianne at her family home in Stowmarket, Suffolk, in the 1980s.

At the time Tilley also lived in the area.

Sianne, who had a baby son at 17, said: “It was something that haunted me every day. There wasn’t a day that went by that it wasn’t in my head at least once.

“It affected my relationships with friends and family. I hate him. “He’s destroyed my life. I had another life planned – my family had another life planned for me. “Because of what he did I went completely off the rails.”

She added: “I became a delinquent. I was running off. “It was like I couldn’t be in the house. My relationship with my mum went downhill. “At 11 years old I went to live with my grandmother because it became traumatic for my mum.

“I was a good little girl before it happened. I was that sweet little girl that everyone liked.Then by the age of nine or 10 I was horrible. “By 13 to 14 I was mixing with drugs and alcohol, and used them to let things out. At 17 I had my son and got my life back on track. I managed to bury what happened. “He was my saviour.”


Tilley was sentenced at Ipswich Crown Court

However, Sianne said as the years passed her health began to deteriorate again and she was referred for help.

She praised a mental health support group she was attending for playing its part in helping her to report Tilley to police. “Luckily I have had a lot of support from a lot of brilliant people," she said.

“The police officers and others who worked with me during the case were outstanding. “When I first went to the police I was at the point where I had had a lot of therapy and was quite well. By the time I went to court I was a mess.

“In the last two-and-a-half years my mental health went downhill, my marriage broke down. I became so ill. “It was like I was on a roller coaster and it started eating away at anything good in my life until all that was left was the court case.

These symptoms of child sex abuse - rebellion, toxic relationships, risky lifestyle, mental illness, marriage breakdowns - are far too common for survivors. Many will say that it destroyed their lives, and from the perspective of what they had planned or expected for themselves, that is often the case. Certainly, as Sianne says, it throws your life completely off-track. It also makes your life more difficult by an exponential factor - depression, difficulty with relationships, fears, inability to focus, etc. 

But it doesn't get better by keeping it inside. It has to come out or you are doomed to suffer from it all your life. When it does come out, things may become quite difficult for awhile. There's something about talking that makes a thing more real. But you have to get through that, and once you do, you have a chance to overcome much of the damage that has been done, and you may also have the opportunity to help others who, like yourself, are sorely in need of help.

“In the last 12 months I have not been able to move forward or think about the future because I didn’t know what the outcome was going to be. “I don’t know what the future has in store but I’m hopeful.”

By refusing to hide behind a cloak of anonymity Sianne hopes she will inspire other sex assault victims to find the courage to alert police.

“I think people are scared. I was scared for 29 years, but a friend of mine gave me the impetus to go to the police. I would say ‘don’t be scared, the police will help’.

“The police did their job so well he is now in prison and not going to harm anyone else.

“If there are girls out there who are scared to come forward - don’t be scared, talk to someone,” she said. “You don’t have to go through it on your own."

“If I can turn things – horrible, horrible things – that happened to me into a positive, then something good has come out of it in the end.”

Tilley was convicted of three offences of indecent assault on Sianne and another schoolgirl. He had denied the charges.

At Tilley’s sentencing, Judge David Goodin branded his offences “grubby and disgraceful”.

The court also heard that in 2008 he was convicted of two offences of sexual assault on a six-year-old girl and possessing and making indecent images of children.

Tilley was locked up for six years.

During his latest trial the jury was told he was 19 when he sexually assaulted the-then seven-year-old Sianne while he was with his babysitting girlfriend.

Tilley told Sianne she was his “special girl” and that what took place was “their secret”.

Sianne tipped off detectives in 2014.

During their enquiries the second victim came forward and said Tilley, now of Fulbourn, Cambridgeshire, had indecently touched her when she was 11 or 12.

Pornography Poses a Serious Threat to Couple Intimacy & Relationship Harmony

An Open Letter on Porn

By: Drs. John & Julie Gottman

Pornography in relationships has been an issue for a long time. Even today, professional recommendations on how to manage the use of pornography still vary widely. We attended one workshop in a couples therapy conference that recommended to merely accept porn use, especially by men, as natural and harmless. While this may be an extreme view, many clinicians have suggested that if a couple uses pornography as a stimulus for intimacy, or if they both agree to read or view pornographic materials together, then porn use is fine. In fact, many professionals have thought it might increase relationship connection and intimacy. In the Bringing Baby Home new parents workshop, we initially took this view since our research had demonstrated that, after a baby arrives, relationship intimacy decreases and measures were needed to strengthen intimate sexual connection.

Recently, however, research on the effects of pornography use, especially one person frequently viewing pornographic images online, shows that pornography can hurt a couple’s relationship. The effect may be true, in part, because pornography can be a “supernormal stimulus” (see Supernormal Stimuli by Deirdre Barrett). Nikko Tinbergen, a Nobel Prize winning ethologist, described a supernormal stimulus as a stimulus that evokes a much larger response than one that has evolutionary significance. One effect of a supernormal stimulus is that interest wanes in normal stimuli. Tinbergen studied male stickleback fish who would naturally attack a rival male that entered their territory during mating season. He created an oval object with a very red belly, more intensely red than the natural fish. The fish fiercely attacked the mock up and subsequently lost interest in attacking its real male rival. Now the supernormal stimulus evoked a reaction, but not the normal stimulus.

Modern men who grew up watching porn

 as children and teenagers have 

started a movement against it

Pornography may be just such a supernormal stimulus. With pornography use, much more of a normal stimulus may eventually be needed to achieve the response a supernormal stimulus evokes. In contrast, ordinary levels of the stimulus are no longer interesting. This may be how normal sex becomes much less interesting for porn users. The data supports this conclusion. In fact, use of pornography by one partner leads the couple to have far less sex and ultimately reduces relationship satisfaction.

There are many other factors about porn use that can threaten a relationship’s intimacy. 

First, intimacy for couples is a source of connection and communication between two people.  But when one person becomes accustomed to masturbating to porn, they are actually turning away from intimate interaction. 

Second, when watching pornography the user is in total control of the sexual experience, in contrast to normal sex in which people are sharing control with the partner. Thus a porn user may form the unrealistic expectation that sex will be under only one person’s control. 

Third, the porn user may expect that their partner will always be immediately ready for intercourse (see Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski). This is unrealistic as well. Research has revealed that genital engorgement leads to a desire for sex only 10% of the time in women and 59% of the time in men. 

Fourth, some porn users rationalize that pornography is ok if it does not involve partnered sexual acts and instead relies only on masturbation. While this may accomplish orgasm the relationship goal of intimate connection is still confounded and ultimately lost.

Worse still, many porn sites include violence toward women, the antithesis of intimate connection. Porn use can become an actual addiction with the same brain mechanism activated in other behavioral addictions, like gambling (see Your Brain on Porn by Gary Wilson).

Pornography can also lead to a decrease in relationship trust and a higher likelihood of affairs outside the relationship. Many porn sites now offer an escalation of sexual activity beyond simply viewing porn that includes actually having sex with other individuals. Finally, the support of porn use is reinforcing an industry that abuses the actors employed to create the pornography (see The Empire of Illusion by Chris Hedges).

We applaud major media outlets like Time Magazine that have joined the anti-pornography movement. Their April cover story titled Porn and the Threat to Virility dives into how modern men who grew up watching porn as children and teenagers have started a movement against it, hoping to shed light on the sexual material’s power to harm Americans.

In summary, we are led to unconditionally conclude that for many reasons, pornography poses a serious threat to couple intimacy and relationship harmony. This moment calls for public discussion, and we want our readers around the world to understand what is at stake.

World-renowned researchers and clinical psychologists, Drs. John and Julie Gottman have conducted 40 years of breakthrough research with thousands of couples. They have published over 200 academic journal articles and written 46 books that have sold over a million copies in more than a dozen languages.

Thank you Drs. Gottman and Gottman, God bless you.