Staunton teen couldn't tell her painful secret
so she left a note on the counter
Patrick Hite The News Leader
STAUNTON - She spent a week in the behavioral health unit of the hospital, trying to come to grips with what had happened, trying to deal with her emotions.
There were rumors among her classmates at Robert E. Lee High School, stories spreading about why Alyx Steitz was absent. One rumor, she said, was that she was pregnant. Nobody knew what she was really going through.
It was in the hospital where, on her right arm, she first drew the design, the one that eventually became a tattoo. She asked for a pen and, at first, the nurse was reluctant to give her one, but finally gave in. With that pen Steitz wrote, “With pain comes strength."
And there was plenty of pain in Steitz's life.
The tattoo on her right arm is one of six on the body of the 17-year-old high school senior. They all have meaning.
There’s a volleyball, representing her love for the sport that she plays nearly year round. The 6-foot-1 Steitz started playing seven or eight years ago in a recreational league in Virginia Beach. Last year she helped lead Lee High to the state championship match. She’d like to play in college next year.
Alyx Steitz, 17, smiles while waiting for the serve and facing off against teammates during varsity team volleyball practice at Robert E. Lee High School on Aug. 30, 2017. Alyx was assaulted at age 12 by a neighbor while still living in Virginia Beach. (Photo: Mike Tripp/The News Leader)
There’s another tattoo of a mountain transforming into a wave. It stands for the two places she considers home — Staunton, where she’s lived since her freshman year in high school, and Virginia Beach, where she lived the first 13 years of her life.
She has one with her birthday and zodiac sign.
And then there are the final two that help keep Steitz connected with her late grandmother. One, the first one she ever got when she was 13, is on her foot. It’s her grandmother’s initials. The other is on her side. She used a note her grandmother wrote in her yearbook — Nana loves you, XOXO — as the design.
She considered her grandmother, who died Sept. 24, 2013, her best friend. The death hit her hard, but it was far from the only thing troubling Steitz at the time.
A month after her grandmother’s death, Steitz moved to Staunton because of her stepfather’s work. In a new city, attending a new school, Steitz had few friends. She felt the distance from her dad, who still lived in Virginia Beach, and was dealing with health problems.
And there was the secret she had kept since before she moved.
Alyx Steitz, now 17, recounts how she was sexually assaulted at age 12 by a neighbor while living in Virginia Beach as well as how hard it was to finally tell her family. MIke Tripp/The News Leader
“It was a lot,” she said. “And I really didn’t have anybody I really trusted to tell all of that, so it was inside of me all the time. I felt like I couldn’t talk to my mom about it. Every victim feels like if they tell someone they’re not going to believe them. That’s how we naturally feel.”
When Steitz was 12 and still living in Virginia Beach, her family lived next door to Marcus Lee Allen. The 53-year-old Allen was a family friend with two children about five years younger than Steitz. His wife had been friends with Steitz’s mom since the two went to elementary school together.
A photo from 2012 of Alyx Steitz when she was age 12 with her mother, Mary Thornton. Alyx was assaulted at age 12 by a neighbor while living in Virginia Beach. (Photo: Submitted)
Steitz spent a lot of time at Allen’s house, watching his kids, swimming in their pool and sitting in the hot tub.
“I treated him like my dad and my mom trusted him and everything,” Steitz said.
She said Allen was always a “touchy person,” one who liked to hug her, but she never found that too strange. Then he started making some odd comments. She remembers he once asked her if she shaved her legs.
“It made me uncomfortable,” she said, “but I didn’t understand.”
Then, once while Steitz was in the hot tub with Allen and his children, he put her on his lap and placed his hand on her thigh. When his wife came outside, Allen pushed Steitz off his lap. The 12-year-old was confused, but knew something wasn’t right.
It's a feeling she still has a hard time describing. “I just felt like really weird, like, the rest of that day,” Steitz said. “I don’t know, I felt like nothing, really, basically. I don’t even know how I felt. I just felt like someone took me … I just felt like crap, I guess.”
Later that night, Allen told Steitz he was sorry, that it was an accident and wouldn’t happen again. But it did.
A few days after the hot tub incident, Steitz was getting ice out of Allen’s freezer. He pulled out the pants of her bathing suit and put his hand and some ice down them. Then he pulled the front of his swim trunks out and told Steitz to put ice in his pants.
Alyx Steitz, 17, has "With The Pain Comes Strength" tattooed on her right arm. (Photo: Mike Tripp/The News Leader)
And when he would tell his own children good night, giving them a kiss on the cheek, he would kiss Steitz on the mouth.
At the time, she didn’t tell anyone.
Eventually Steitz and her family moved away and left Allen in Virginia Beach, but she couldn’t leave what happened behind.
Relocating to Staunton wasn’t easy. She left friends, people she had grown up with, to come to a city where she knew no one.
Volleyball helped. She started playing on a travel team with Jennifer Williams and the two would eventually be teammates on the high school team. Still, she didn’t feel like she had any close friends at Lee High.
Alyx Steitz, 17, stands with teammates at the end of varsity team volleyball practice at Robert E. Lee High School on Aug. 30, 2017. (Photo: Mike Tripp/The News Leader)
And she was struggling with how to deal with what happened in Virginia Beach. She felt constantly stressed. She suffered anxiety attacks at school and on the bus. She’d wake up in the middle of the night, drenched in sweat after a nightmare.
Her mom, Mary Thornton, realized something was happening to her daughter, but it was unclear just what.
“Personality-wise she just became a little more introverted and didn’t want to have a lot of group activities,” Thornton said. “And she used to be ‘Let’s go find everybody and do stuff.’”
Steitz was missing a lot of school. Her mom did her best to get to her class and keep her daughter focused. There were plenty of emotional breakdowns, also, but Thornton wasn’t sure if this was because Steitz was a teenager or if there was a larger problem.
Steitz continued to keep the secret.
“I didn’t think that she wouldn’t believe me,” Steitz said, “but I was just like ‘I don’t want to tell you because that’s our family friend.’ I just didn’t want to tell her.”
Finally, though, almost two years after the incident and nearly 200 miles away from where it happened, Steitz decided to tell her mom what was happening, but she couldn’t find the words to vocalize it.
So she wrote it down.
Alyx Steitz, now 17, holds up the two-sided note she wrote to her mother when she finally was able to tell her parents about an incident of sexual assault that happened to her, committed by a neighbor, when she was 12 years old and they were living in Virginia Beach. Photo taken in her family's Staunton home on Aug. 30, 2017. (Photo: Mike Tripp/The News Leader)
On a 3”x 3” piece of note paper, using both the front and back, Steitz wrote, “We were in the pool and he put me on his lap & wouldn’t let me go and I tried to go but he wouldn’t let me. He just made me feel uncomfortable and he put his hand in my bathing suit bottoms, he pulled down his pants after that but I ran away. He just makes me not be able to say no. It’s just hard. It just makes me hate myself sometimes. I’m sorry mommy. I love you.”
Before going back to her bedroom, Steitz left the note on the kitchen counter where her mom read it.
“How could this go on right under everyone’s nose?” Thornton said. “It floored me.”
Investigation: Prey
After absorbing what she had just read, and calling her husband to tell him, Thornton contacted law enforcement who referred the family to the Valley Children’s Advocacy Center in Staunton. That started the process of getting Steitz the help she needed, both emotionally and legally.
Since then, Steitz has been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and depression. She is seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist. She’s taking medication that helps. And she’s less concerned about what others think or say about her.
Alyx Steitz, 17, looks with her mother, Mary Thornton, over letters and other papers related to her sexual assault, during an interview in their family home in Staunton on Aug. 30, 2017. (Photo: Mike Tripp/The News Leader)
“People always want something to talk about,” Steitz said, “but I’ve gotten to the point where I really don’t care what people think.”
Legally, Steitz and her family began working with a detective in the special victims unit in Virginia Beach. An investigator on the case wanted her to call Allen in an attempt to get him to talk about what happened.
Steitz couldn’t make the call, but agreed to text him.
Steitz: “I do miss you, miss the summer when we were in the pool and the hottub (sic)”
Allen: “Me too beautiful”
Steitz: you do?? I though you would think I’m weird”
Allen: No you are very sexy and fun always. Are you in school
Steitz said Allen then sent her an explicit photograph, but she has since deleted the photo. “Eww, gross,” was all she said about that photo.
One other girl eventually came forward with accusations against Allen. In May, 2016 he was charged with several crimes, including object sexual penetration by force, threat or intimidation or use of the complaining witness’s mental incapacity; aggravated sexual battery; and indecent liberties with a child under the age of 15.
When Allen was arrested, Steitz had mixed emotions.
“I didn’t want to get him in trouble, that’s the thing,” she said. “I didn’t want his kids to be without their father.”
Steitz had to go back to Virginia Beach on several occasions to testify. It wasn’t easy.
“I don’t think I could have done half as good as she did,” her mom said.
Then, in May, 2017, a year after he was arrested, Allen was due to be tried on the charges. Steitz was back in Virginia Beach and ready to testify, but Allen pleaded guilty to aggravated sexual battery.
He received a 10-year sentence, with all but six months suspended, time he served while awaiting trial. He also is now a registered sex offender, will have to undergo therapy and substance abuse screening, and is on indefinite probation. He also can't have any contact with either victim, and his DNA is on file with a state database.
“I was pretty pissed off, honestly,” said Steitz, who felt she endured a lot to just see Allen get most of his sentence suspended.
Trying a sexual abuse case, especially one involving juveniles, presents challenges to the prosecution.
"With any sex assault case, even ones involving adults, it's always best when there's physical evidence, but a lot of times we don't have that in these cases, especially if it's an inappropriate touching instead of a rape," said Macie Allen, the Public Information Officer with the Commonwealth's Attorney's office in Virginia Beach.
Cases like this also become a case of the defendant's word against that of the victim.
"Can a judge or a jury believe a child over an adult?" Macie Allen said.
Her office also has to take into consideration the emotional toll on the victim if they take the stand. In Steitz's case, she did have to testify at bond hearings, but, because the defendant eventually pleaded guilty, Steitz avoided having to take the stand this past May.
Macie Allen was asked if she thought the sentence was harsh enough. She said she was prohibited from commenting too specifically on Steitz's case, but reiterated that the impact on victims is an important consideration.
"The defendant pled guilty, accepted responsibility, will have to register as a sex offender for the rest of his life, is now a convicted felon, will be on probation indefinitely, and did serve time in jail," Macie Allen said.
But is that enough? Thornton, like her daughter, doesn’t think so.
“I would have liked to have seen him go back for a least another year in jail,” Thornton said.
Macie Allen did point out that there are state sentencing guidelines, which are the court's recommended sentences.
"In this case the guidelines recommended a sentence of one day to three months in jail," she said. "He was sentenced to serve six months, which greatly exceeds the guidelines."
Alyx Steitz's workbook she used to help her express and handle her feelings following an incident of sexual assault that happened when she was 12-years-old. (Photo: Mike Tripp/The News Leader)
Now that the legal part of the case is behind her, Steitz continues to deal with the emotional part. She believes she is doing better, but also knows she’s a different person than she was before this happened.
“I’m a lot less trusting of people,” she said. “I don’t trust anyone, really. Anyone can do anything. Anything can happen. People can change so quickly, so I don’t trust people very easily anymore. It’s definitely affected my relationship with people, a lot.”
And she still struggles with PTSD and depression.
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Alyx Steitz @alyxcs
depression just sucks. and that's it.
7:51 AM - Aug 29, 2017 · Staunton, VA
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She wants to one day go into law enforcement so she can help those who feel victimized. And she wants to tell her story to other kids in the same situation she found herself.
Her biggest piece of advice is to tell someone.
“It’s definitely hard,” Steitz said, “but they need to tell someone. That’s the only way to feel better about yourself and get it out. Like, it doesn’t matter who it is, just tell someone, like some adult or whoever you trust. Obviously, telling your parents is best.”
She’s glad she finally did.
“Talking about it does help sometimes,” she said. “I feel like I just need to get it out. Keeping it in for so long, from when I was 12, it was driving me crazy. Nobody knew.”
One of the things we can take away from this story, and cudos to Alyx for having the courage to share it, is that severe consequences are felt by the child even though the sexual abuse may not be violent or extensive. You don't have to be raped to have your life messed up big time.
Another thing is that you can survive child sex abuse and eventually, even thrive. The starting place to recovery is when you tell someone, someone who will listen and believe. Fortunately, Alyx was blessed with a Mother who believed her. Some children are abused by a boyfriend or step-father whom the Mother is so dependent on, that she will refuse to believe her own child. If you are in that position, you must find someone who will believe you and advocate for you, whether it's a police officer, a teacher, a pastor, or whomever. Find the strength and courage to speak.
Victim silence is the pedophile's most valuable asset.
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